Dear Santa, Suck it!
I mean value nosotros demand to talk. Your fatty jolly donkey is actually becoming a hurting inwards mine. In social club to buy the farm on upwards the ruse of you lot existing too all, I am somewhat existence held hostage to a toddler's demands. You see, whenever nosotros larn inwards the holy patch that is Target nowadays, every awesome shiny affair upwards inwards at that topographic point becomes something nosotros should, "ask Santa for". And if I don't pony upwards said shiny things from "Santa" on Christmas day, my daughter's childhood volition live ruined too she volition live doomed to a life of working the pole. All because of you. Well, Santa, your donkey owes me money. H5N1 lot of money. And I am booking a flying conduct to the North Pole to collect.
You see, Santa, nosotros both know that you lot are a deadbeat mythical figure, but my doe-eyed darling doesn't. She thinks that you lot are all magical too shit too that you lot tin terminal fart toy sewing machines too Lalaloopsy dolls. I, on the other hand, know that you lot are a only roughly other agency for our kids to milk us for fifty-fifty to a greater extent than plastic crap nether the guise of "holiday spirit". I am only lucky that my kids don't know the wonder of the iPhone vi Plus yet. Now that is roughly naughty shit, Santa.
Also, because you lot are likewise lazy to brand an appearance to a greater extent than than 1 solar daytime a twelvemonth (DIVA!), you lot hire alcoholic homeless men to sit down inwards fancy chairs too human activeness similar they are you lot at malls all over the world. Seriously? You couldn't detect a few guys amongst white beards who didn't aroma similar a mix of sewer H2O too Mad Dog 20/20 to play you? Every fourth dimension my immature adult woman sits on 1 of their laps I receive got to hose her off amongst a bathroom of penicillin when nosotros are done. Gross.
And, it is too therefore non cool that you lot sit down at the North Pole all year, getting shitfaced amongst elves spell I am stuck hither at abode doing your slave labor. Not exclusively practise you lot non brand whatever lists, permit lonely depository fiscal establishment check them twice, but you lot also don't store for or pay for whatever of the items requested past times the boys too girls on said list. But, come upwards Dec 25, your overweight donkey certain does shimmy downward my chimney, consume all of my cookies too popular dorsum out only too therefore you lot tin terminal accept all the credit.
What the fuck, Santa? I had to drive all over God's greenish public too Toys "R" Us only to procure that express edition doll identify that my toddler only HAD to inquire you lot for, too you lot can't fifty-fifty coughing upwards the alter to pay for it? But I receive got to tell it was from you? That is roughly bullshit. You must receive got roughly variety of airtight wedlock contract that allows you lot to sit down dorsum too reap all the benefits of gift giving spell us drones at abode practise all the manual labor.
In closing: suck it, Santa. I desire my coin back. Oh yeah, too tin terminal I receive got a pony? I receive got ever wanted 1 of those.
Smooches,
Mommy
This is an excerpt I wrote for Scary Mommy's Guide to Surviving the Holidays. It's $2.99 too makes a nifty gift for yourself or individual amongst a nifty feel of humor! Buy it, yo!
If you lot portion this post, I volition purchase you lot a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' too Instagram.