Why I would suck at online dating
The concept of online dating has ever intrigued me. I hitched my saddle to my husband’s pony earlier Match together with eHarmony were fifty-fifty things, allow lonely Tinder together with god knows whatever perverted shit at that topographic point is on the marketplace nowadays.
Whenever I receive got a nightmare that my hubby leaves me out of the blue, the offset matter I cry upwards is, “Now I tin in conclusion sweat online dating!” Weird, right? I don’t fifty-fifty inquire him why. I but select it together with acquire to come about creating my profile.
Here is the raw, unfiltered truth of what dating me would travel like:
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| Please banker's bill lack of upper lip. |
User name: I similar beer together with boyfriends.
About me: I'm loud, annoying together with ever right. Even when I am wrong. I am a haemorrhage pump that volition convey abode strays (both beast together with human) constantly. I dear to cook. Sometimes. I similar to drink. Most times. I run together with thus I tin consume what I want. I consume to a greater extent than than my running accounts for together with thus at that topographic point is about junk inwards my body (and frunk—can I brand frunk a thing?).
Favorite Movie/Band/TV Show/Song/Color/Brand of can paper: Christmas Vacation, The Lumineers, Project Runway, Josh Turner Your Man, Green, Charmin
Six things I can't alive without:
Pandora, wine, running, my friends, my kids together with my hubby (is that weird since this is a dating site?).
What you're looking for: A adult woman alongside a take-charge mental attitude who tin drinkable beer alongside the best of ‘em together with brand a lasagna similar Paula Deen (minus the dash of racism). You desire a daughter alongside a wicked feel of sense of humor who hasn’t missed a repast together with doesn’t dorsum downwards when confronted alongside a challenge. Otherwise known equally a mouthy, southern bitch (minus the whole being-from-the-south thing).
Marital status: Well, I promise that if I am creating an online dating profile that it would travel single. If not, I would likely search for a to a greater extent than specific website to cater to my swinger tendencies. I don’t desire to waste matter my fourth dimension courtin’ no better-than-though monogamists now, practise I? Damn correct I don’t.
Age: I stopped counting most five years ago. Around the same fourth dimension I stopped keeping runway of my weight. I cry upwards at that topographic point mightiness travel a correlation…
Height together with weight: Tallish. Getting wider/squishier past times the infinitesimal (see historic catamenia correlation above).
Body type: Is celery filled alongside mashed potatoes a body type? Because if so, that’s it. I receive got lanky limbs together with a middle that resembles copious amounts of raw dough existence contained inwards a rather unstable trash bag. Also, infant got back. Lots ‘o’ back. Sorry, I cannot lie.
Income: The inquiry shouldn’t equally much travel most income but the amount of outcomes that I have. Target is a toothless slut that sings a siren vocal that I cannot resist. I receive got however to run into a clearance halt cap that I tin bicycle past times without magnetically drawing one-half of the shelves’ contents into my cart.
Education: I went to college. I learned how to main the beer bong, puke together with rally, notice the cheapest food, tame unruly frat boys, together with smoke without inhaling (cough, cough).
Occupation: Writer of words, wrangler of toddlers together with maker of home. BOOM! It’s a three-fer.
Smoking/drinking/drugs: Yes, please. Except cigarettes, or crack, or Everclear, or heroin, or, hell, tin I but receive got wine?
Children: No. I mean, I receive got kids that I by together with large tolerate pretty good most days, but I don’t desire you lot to set whatever to a greater extent than inwards me together with I for sure don’t desire to create a whole Brady Bunch province of affairs or anything.
Pets: I receive got an fat truthful cat who volition cutting you lot for a field of turkey or a chocolate pudding cup. I receive got a rabbit, but all he actually does is consume a lot together with crap everywhere. I similar dogs. If they aren’t annoying together with don’t shed everywhere, hump legs, chew things or nudge my arm alongside their moisture olfactory organ together with thus I volition buy the farm on petting them.
Medical issues: Hypothyroidism, acid reflux, PTSD together with chronic depression. Sexy, right?
Sexual orientation: I’m a ability bottom.
Likes: Wine, tabular array salt together with vinegar chips, cake, picking my olfactory organ when I am alone, making certain things are lined upwards but the agency I similar them or else, seeing how long I tin acquire inwards without showering, inviting people over on nights you lot desire to but rest inwards together with travel alone.
Dislikes: Rascals Flatts, chest pilus together with dark olives.
Who should message me: No one. I’m married you lot pervert!
If you lot part this post, I volition purchase you lot a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' together with Instagram.